dealing with manipulation

keep praying for me as i deal with this obstacle of confronting manipulative behavior with my roommate J.  i know i'm being challenged by this and my temper is getting the better of me lately.  i pretty much call out this crap whenever i see it and confront it with facts.  now that J has asked me to do a Bible study with her, i have to step up my game both as a leader and a Believer.

J likes to play the victim in almost every circumstance to manipulate others into doing for her stuff she's physically and mentally able to do for herself.  i keep telling her that she's an adult and that she can do it, which is the truth.  as far as her lying goes, that's in The LORD's Hands to deal with her heart.  J has a to choose either to continue lying for whatever reason (save face, or puff herself up, etc.) or choose to act more like JESUS.  this is my current prayer for her, that The LORD will do a mighty work in her heart and life as we continue to study The WORD together.  it's not enough to just read The WORD but to be do-ers of The WORD as well so that we don't deceive ourselves.  HE called us to go out into the world and make disciples of CHRIST, disciples work by doing and being The Light & Love of CHRIST.

did i mention i hate liars?!

monday night i lost my patience with EVERYBODY!  after watching a movie with my 2 roommates, i went to my room to sleep since i had morning appointments the next day. 

suddenly i could hear one of the neighbors, do-do, talking loudly in the living room. when his roommate came over & they started fussing at each other, louder over the volume of the TV, that's when i screamed from my room 'SHUT UP!' to all of them.  eventually they got quieter and went outside for a bit; then came back inside to watch their movie.  no one is allowed to visit or stay in the house except me & my 2 roommates; its in the contract agreement that we ALL signed. 

it took me forever to calm down & go to sleep that night.  plus, i stewed about it all day yesterday.  when i got home from my errands i had planned on talking to J about the guys coming over monday night.  at first J pretended to not know what i was talking about...that's when i blew up at her.  as i'm screaming at her recounting the incident to her, J still insisted that she didn't know that i had been the one who yelled 'shut up!' to them, claiming she thought it was do-do who had yelled it. i told J that she should have never let them in the house to begin with; that's when J tried to blame T for letting them inside.  i informed J that i already talked to T and shot down her lie right then; reminding her that she is a grown woman and that all she had to do was escort them out of the house.

J tried to act pitiful and manipulative by asking why i was yelling at her like a stepchild.  i replied that i'm pissed off and i have every right to be angry at her for what happened monday night. finally i told her that i'm done talking about it and that if it happened again i would call the case manager and report it.  J kept trying to be manipulative with her remarks about my yelling at her; i kept repeating that i was done talking about it and finally stopped replying to her. 

before she walked out of the house i did apologize for screaming but that's at it. 

J didn't come back until after 10:30 last night, and do-do was right behind her walking into the house.  i started yelling at him to 'get out of the house now!'. both J & do-do claimed that C (the case manager) had given him special permission to come get his movies.  i told both of them that i'm calling C since i didn't believe she would say that without notifying me & T about it.  C didn't answer her cell or the texts i sent her. 

Eventually he left.

First thing this morning C returned my call and said she did NOT give him permission to come over at all.  they will deal with him later today for breaking the rule. 

When J got up she came and asked me 'why did i hate her so much?' 

we had a long talk this morning & i clarified that i did NOT hate her but i hated being lied to.  i also despise do-do coming into the house...he's loud & obnoxious and i don't trust him! 

i still don't believe half of what J says to me regardless of how truthful she claims to be.  part of me thinks she's a con-artist playing the pitiful old lady bit.  especially when she makes 900 excuses for her actions.  until i see proof my suspicions will remain. 

chaos, relapses & revelation of character

the beginning of the week, sunday, was cool; me & the 2 roomies went to Bible Study that evening, had a good time and everything was pretty laid back. 

monday, however, was a whole other story:  the 2 roomies are hanging out with each other, running errands etc., i go to my Orthopedics appointment (my carpal tunnel surgery is scheduled for Oct.). by late afternoon J comes back to the house & asks me to cut a pair of old jeans up for cut-off shorts, to wear to the river bank with T. 

around 8 pm there's a knock at the door, i can hear the key going into the lock just as i'm unlocking the door.  when i open it, the neighbor (do-do) is there holding up J to steady her at the doorway; he tells me she's taken too much of her meds and she needs help to her bed.  i take her hand and start leading her to the couch, i'm also on the phone with my mom; just as i turned around J lets go of my hand and falls on the coffee table.  i hang up with mom and get J picked up and set her down on the couch.  what little talking J is doing is just slurred mutterings; trying to figure out if i'm dealing with an overdose of some kind.  i get J to her bed, eventually, mostly carrying-walking her down the hallway because by now she can barely stand up  before falling straight down immediately. J even fell off the bed twice before i could get her seated on the bed.  as i was leaving her room i thought about leaving her door unlocked just for tonight but i locked it anyway at her request. 

i got back on the phone with mom and gave her the highlights on my roomie J.  by then mom suggested calling 911 to see if she needed to go to the ER since she was overdosing on something. 

i called 911 and told them she was overdosing and in a locked bedroom do i needed both Fire & EMTs to get to her.  the EMTs showed up first and we kept talking to J through the door until we got inside to get to her.  we get J loaded up on the gurney and they head out to the ER.  once they left i asked do-do if T left her in the driveway or did J walk home from the river since her shoes were missing too.  He said T dropped her off in the driveway and she was already falling down out of the car.  J had staggered and fell on his porch next door, so he walked her over to our house; she fell at least once more during that walk to the door. 

i kept leaving text messages & voicemails for T and our case manager C about the whole incident. 

the next morning i get a call from D asking about J and if she made it home from the ER; she called there and she had been released already.  this concerned me since she left the house with no shoes.  J was still sleeping it off in her room, apparently she walked home or found a ride.  J had mixed alcohol with her meds, most of which you can't do anyway. 

i was just thankful J had survived the whole ordeal. 

i spent the rest of tuesday trying to come down from the stress of monday night; mostly avoiding J so i wouldn't snap at her. 

J has apologized profusely to me about that night and C apologized to me for having to deal with the crisis as well as thanked me for everything. 

i told J what both T did and what do-do did for her that night; 'do-do may be a jerk but he at least helped you to the door which T did NOT.' 

on the plus side: i have a job interview tomorrow afternoon (prayers for a gig) 

adjusting (1st week)

living with a 58 yr old woman with COPD, partially deaf, chain smoker, who's only been in Tahlequah for 6 weeks is quite the challenge.  i need a lot of prayer for her over-bearing personality.  she's out of some of her meds and had given some small loans to a former roommate, who has a gambling problem; so she's going to have to 'hang in there' until her next pay period to get her meds.  unless by some miracle one of her kids or this former roommate or the do-do neighbor pays her back the money they all owe her this weekend, so she can get her meds and chill out! 

the straw that broke the camel's back tonight was the extra noise she made by bringing her breathing treatment machine into the living room while we were watching t.v. 

so when she finished her treatment and went outside i turned on the closed captioning to finish out the show.  J is loud in her regular speaking voice, and insists on talking while the show is on, rather than wait until commercials.  this is also how she misses half of the show and will ask me during the next show what happened in the previous program. 

i get that she's been by herself at this house for almost a month, and she is quite the chatterbox but PLEASE be considerate of others. 

i've listened to her drone on and on and on about her oldest son & his problems, the do-do neighbor that nobody likes, her last roommate, basically everything that has happened around here the last 6 weeks...no i'm not her counselor but i need to carve out some quiet time so that i don't get sucked into her drama and get side-tracked myself. 

next week i have appointments every other day, so i will be out of the house away from her for a couple days next week.  trying to stretch out those days as much as possible with my limited travelling monies. 

i may spend half of the weekend in my room reading just to keep my sanity.

new digs this weekend

had a look at the new place this morning and i'm already loving it.  its a small house on a 'country road' neighborhood, still in Tahlequah.  its a 9 month stay at this place, which gives me time to apply for disability, continue looking for work and getting to know the town a bit more. the hospital is a straight shot up the road as well. 

there is another person in the house, her name is Jeanie; will meet her this weekend. 

the rules are a lot more relaxed compared to this shelter as well.  plus i can have an overnight pass if needed.  mom's already talking about going up to KC soon for a visit. 

case management meeting

met with my case manager yesterday at CREOKS and i have an interesting option to stay in town at another temporary housing place.  will have a look at it on tuesday morning and then make a more informed decision.

mildly amused

so i got one of those IRS scammer robocalls from this number (206) 535-1208 Seattle, WA this afternoon, telling me that the IRS is about to sue me in court and to call them back at the number listed above, to avoid going to court...blah blah blah.

what's amusing to me is the scammers have no idea that i'm broke as hell, unemployed (no income at all) and living in a homeless shelter...talk about hitting a  dry well as far as would-be scam victims go 😂😂😂 

anxiety ridden

had a meeting with the Vocation Rehab counselor this morning; everything is pretty much on hold until i secure housing & income for myself before i can move forward with technical school training.  i have to talk to the administrator at the shelter to see if they will let me stay past my 60-days until the new semester starts in august.  if she says no, then i'm back to Vinita until i can find a place to live.
the counselor did say since Vinita is still in Cherokee Nation district they still may be able to help me if i find a school around there where i can get some office administration training.  most of these programs are at least a year long; so i will have to find housing either on or off campus for that year.

while i was there at Cherokee Nation complex, i stopped by Day Training to see where i was on the list for day jobs....well apparently all but one page of my paperwork has disappeared!!  so now i have to start all over again since my paperwork was never entered in their system and they can't find the original hard copies that i turned in to them.  the receptionist apologized for the screw-up because whoever was at the front desk should have handed it over to one of the counselors there in the office and it wasn't done.  for some reason one page was there (the job search sign-in sheet) but nothing else was found.  i'm just hoping no one took the other pages from the office since i did have personal information on it (social security numbers, date of birth, etc.)

one of the pages i have to re-do has to be signed/stamped by WorkForce, and they are closed until next tuesday, because they are re-locating and monday is a holiday!

i'm trying not to be too pissed off at this display of incompetence right now.  the personal info on the paperwork is what bothers me more than anything.

ssdd

so the job interview was a bust; no driver's license or insurance so no job.  apparently they drive clients around to appointments, errands, etc.

in other news, this past week was much better, especially where the problem child was concerned.

i have a behavioral health appointment on Tuesday.  since i'm overdue for an evaluation i'm hoping to get taken off citalopram or change the dosage.  i'm sure it helps in some way but the less pills the better if i don't need it anymore.

the job search continues...no other leads yet.

i've been doing a lot more photography while i'm here; instagram.com/angielina.grass
there's some pretty country here in Tahlequah.

i finally have a job interview, tomorrow at 1 p.m.!  this is my first lead in the past month and a half that i've been here in Tahlequah.  i only have until July 6th before i have to move out of the shelter.  i realize that i'm cutting it pretty close to my deadline, but this is the first glimmer of hope i've had on the job search.

as far as a social life here in this town, i've been able to attend a church on the edge of town, Carter Baptist Church; i've been going to the evening service on Sunday.  the people there are very nice and so far they're the only church i've visited.  a few days ago, while on the bus home, one of the passengers invited me to his church, Tahlequah Baptist.  and today while i was out job searching, i was invited to Blue Springs Baptist by the pastor himself; he said he might be able to introduce me to some people that can help me get a job or know who's hiring here in town.  so apparently i need to check out these other two churches before my time
is up at the shelter.
i've also been flirting with one of the bus drivers, Will.  not sure if that will lead to anything at the moment.  but the attention is nice, especially since i don't know anyone here in town.

i've also butted heads with a staff member here at the shelter; i spoke with her supervisor about the unnecessary & unprofessional remarks she has made to me, i was blown off since the supervisor didn't witness it herself.  this staff person is only temporary, and i only have a few weeks left here, so i'm praying my way through this situation until i leave.  i'm still considering video-recording any exchanges i have with this problem child, just to have some sort of documentation of her poor behavior.

Tahlequah job searching & adjusting

finally got moved into the shelter here in Tahlequah; since the first weekend in May.  i only have 60 days at this shelter; so i'm currently job hunting and apartment searching in this area.

i love having my own room again!

thankfully, Tahlequah has a public transit system, KATS bus that will drive you to your exact destination, unlike a bus where there are only certain stops you have to walk to to get close to your destination.  plus its cheap, $0.50 one way, with your CDIB card.

getting a new physician at the Hastings hospital has been a bigger hurdle than i anticipated; there's a huge waiting list, so for the time being i have to go to Urgent Care to see a doctor regarding my diabetes care.

i did get to my first initial visit at the Arthritis Center in Tulsa last week.  he's ordered x-rays of my hands and knees.  he said my rheumatoid markers are down, so it has to be my osteoarthritis that has been flaring up lately.  he noted that my thyroid level is on the 'borderline' of being too low.  i did mention to him that i was on thyroid replacement when i was in high school, but was taken off of it during my college years since my doctor at Haskell said my levels were normal.
he did put me on certain exercise and work restrictions as well; no walking for long distances; no crawling or bending.  and if i can get access to a swimming pool to do walking laps in the pool to get some strength training for my knees.  i could also purchase small ankle weights and do leg lifts while sitting to help my knees as well.

this week i have an appointment with an Endocrinologist up in Nowata.  this is my first time getting referred to one, which is long overdue since i've been a diabetic for over 20 years now.  i'm hoping that IHS has been treating me for the correct diabetes type and to know if i am insulin-resistant or not.  there's a ton of questions i have for this specialist this week.  

while waiting for an answer

(still in Vinita at my folks' place this week; waiting to hear from a few other leads on shelter/bed)

in the meantime, the suicide crisis up in Canada caught my attention online.  to summarize:  since Oct. 2015 there have been over 100 suicide attempts and 2 completed suicides in the Attawapiskat community in Ontario Canada!

just one suicide attempt that i personally witnessed at a homeless shelter in Austin TX was enough to get my attention and to keep talking to that individual until the paramedics arrived and took them to the hospital nearby.  (the person survived, thank God!)

now multiply that by 100, stretched out over the last 6 months, its INSANE!

i'm monitoring the situation online to hear what the community needs, aside from prayer and encouragement.

"Infinite Love" drawing

'Infinite Love' by Angielina Grass, 4.16.2016
(ink drawing on watercolor paper)

#REDinstead

the waiting

this season i'm learning to truly wait on The LORD and what His Timing means compared to my own needs & timetable.

i know that HE is The LORD of everything, including time itself.

needless to say this is stretching my faith in His Provision.
when i've been unemployed for almost 6 yrs, with only one month of a regular job, trusting in HIM completely for everything (shelter, food, meds, transportation, safety, etc.) is an ongoing journey and extremely humbling.

despite all of my anxiety and panic attacks, worry, doubt, tears, crazy circumstances/people that i face, HE IS STILL GOOD TO ME & HE IS STILL ON THE THRONE OF GRACE! 
THE LORD is BIGGER than all of my fears, all of my afflictions and all of my enemies.

transitional in Oklahoma

it's been a few years since i've posted here so to bring things 'up to speed' i'll paraphrase my situation.
over a year ago i came up to Oklahoma via Alice, TX greyhound bus to be with my parents while my dad underwent major heart surgery and his recovery.  he's doing great, a year later and Thank God for answered prayers on that situation.

around October 2015 i had to move out since it violated my parents' lease for me to stay here at their apartment.  so for about 4 months i stayed with an acquaintance of my mom, Sharon.  all the while i've been actively looking for work, housing and going through all of my doctor's appointments to get things lined up for my disability application process.

in December 2015 i finally got a retail job here in Vinita, OK....it lasted one month!  first time in over 20 years that i've ever been fired; especially on a technicality--i didn't complete the video job training within the time allotted.  the store only had so many work hours for that week for me and i had to be on-the-clock to watch their videos and pass all of their tests to be considered fully trained.  (i got hired during the holiday season, so the majority of my time was spent on the register.)
a week later after being fired from work my roommate Sharon sent me an eviction text message.  she gave me 2 weeks notice to vacate.  i moved out the next day.

spent a week or so with my parents while looking for a place to stay, that's when i was given a phone number to call for a shelter in Miami, OK (30 mi N of Vinita), The Harbor.
stayed there for 2 months until the director of The Harbor got several bad reports about other residents and decided to evict EVERYONE that morning.  his last words were that he would take applications for residents that evening at 5:30 pm, we had to pass a drug test and we had to have a job.  the test i could pass, but i still had no job after 2 months of applications & interviews there in Miami.

after cooling off for the weekend at my parent's place, i started playing phone tag with the director of The Harbor to see if i could come back as a resident.  when i finally got in touch with him he told me the women's dorm was still closed for the time being for plumbing repairs, a bed bug situation, and the decision to open the women's dorm was still to be decided.

so now, i'm looking for another place to stay somewhere in Oklahoma.  currently my options are slim, but i may have a lead on a place in Tahlequah.

the neuropathy flare-ups are mild this year, but i did finally get an EMG done on my feet and hands.  i do have it in my feet, but so far not in my hands.  they did see carpal tunnel in my hands, which has been getting progressively worse this year, even with the arm braces.  i got a surgery referral for my hands this week; waiting for that appointment date. 

since my homeless journey began 2 years ago, i have gained some of the weight back (at least 30-40 lbs.)  but so far i've not gained anymore than that, Thank God.
when you live and eat in homeless shelter, there is an abundance of bread and starches but very little fruits & veggies available.  SNAP benefits helped me get the veggies i needed but so far, i've been without those benefits because of not having a job.  here in Oklahoma you get 4 months of SNAP but afterwards your benefits are cut off if you don't work at least 20 hrs a week, especially if you're under 65 yrs old.
i've re-applied this year but there's a possibility that i didn't work enough at the last job to qualify for a renewal of SNAP.

i'm hoping this place in Tahlequah will be a better situation to help me while i look for work and continue to apply for disability.  its been years since i've been there, so i will have to get to know the town again.  this shelter also locks out the residents during the day, from 8:30a-3:00p, like most shelters.  there is a small transit system there in Tahlequah that i can use but i have no idea how much it costs; tried to look them up online and there's nothing on the website about the cost or if i can buy a daily/weekly pass.  i may have to do a lot of walking either way, Thank God for Google Maps.